Tagged: break up
I met an amazing guy in March 2018 from SA, we would meet weekly and he was always very generous with me and pretty attentive. The allowance he provides is 1/3 of what other older SD’s offered but I didn’t mind because he’s young, tall and I was genuinely attracted to him and felt like there was a real spark. I’d find myself at my day job thinking about him and every time he texted my heart would skip a beat.
He was up front from our very first date and let me know that ultimately he wants to find a primary partner for a poly relationship but that he is Non monogamous. I didn’t fully realize what that meant….. We’ve kept seeing one another and in June began an open relationship wherein I went on Birth control and we stopped using Condoms. We’ve been tested and assured each other bare sex would just be for us not with secondary partners. At this point we talked about spending more time together and he professed his love for me. To my surprise he voluntarily still provided a monthly allowance, which I wasn’t expecting because we discussed being in a real relationship.
Things were going great then he began to pull away this month so I gave him his space, it started to click that he’s seeing someone new which is allowed but he wasn’t communicative at all.
This made me feel like he was sneaking around and wasn’t trustworthy so I’ve begun to pull away. I’ve started to date others to keep my options open, and feel hurt and betrayed because he seems to try to be compassionate but can’t. Example-last minute rearranging our schedule so he could have a weekend with the new person but not saying why, telling me he wants more time with me then leaving super early, texting very little, having hickies all over. He disgusted me last week by all of this and it seemed he could sense my feelings and shows remorse. This week he has done better after we talked and he’s being communicative and caring. I’m so angry though that I can’t receive it and want to take out my anger on him. The jealousy consumed me to the point where I couldn’t function at my day job.
*Side note- He has money but I fell for him not the money and I think he could tell I really loved him. Our love was real but Im super traditional and only tried SA on a whim, he’s my 2nd SD and Im divorced and in my 30’s.
I’ve never been in a poly/open situation so I’m not sure if this is how it is at first? or is our future ruined because we started as a Sugar couple? We see each other again on Wed and Im feeling some kind of way and just want to ghost him. After this experience I want to run when I hear the word poly because it seems like a way for A-holes to hide behind a label….
Put yourself in my shoes-what would you do?
There’s no easy answer to this and it sounds like you’ve been blindsided a bit. No two vanilla relationships are alike, but that all gets multiplied when you throw in multiple partners who can then see multiple other partners. You’re going into a relationship with no instruction manual or any preset conventions. It’s not like you can go to church and ask the pastor what to do, and you’re unlikely to find a therapist who doesn’t look at you like you have three heads.
I’m in an open marriage, have a serious sugar baby turned mistress and I still sometimes play the field. I have to deal with everyone completely differently. Explaining the specifics here would take way too long, but in a nutshell, the wife wants to know nothing except that she’s the alpha. The mistress/SB is more of a typical jealous young girl who wants to know the details. Dealing with the two couldn’t be more different and there’s absolutely no one I know that I can ask for serious advice.
It ultimately just comes down to communication, confidence and trust as well as loving the other person enough to want them to be happy, even if it means they’re seeing someone else sometimes. You have to speak to your man and have calm conversations about what you each want from the relationship and what you might want from others. Either you or he, has to be extremely mature and patient in order to make things work, but other party can’t be a slouch either.
For the long term, I would read every book on open relationships you can get your hands on. That will help you see the big picture. Opening Up and The Ethical Slut are two of my favorites.
For the immediate future, remember that he’s just found someone new and he is feeling new relationship energy, NRE, as it’s commonly referred to in those books, or “heart skipping a beat when he texts” like you described in your post. You will need to acknowledge this while you talk to him and you may have to let it cool off before you can really figure things out. Remember that if you two really love each other, it’s not going to be easy for him to replace you. Your feelings of jealousy and anger are also temporary. They will go away whether you choose to be with him or not, as long as you acknowledge them and work through them rather than hang on to them or try to avoid them the way most people do.
Only a couple of weeks ago, my mistress mentioned having serious butterflies over this young guy who drove a Mercedes, was smart, respectful and seemed marriage oriented (something she eventually wants), yada yada…. I felt pretty jealous of course, but just let her do her thing without saying much. I did tell her I was feeling jealous but made sure she understood that she could do her thing without any fear I would take it out on her. Less than two days later, she seemed to have forgotten about him. When I asked, she told me they were about to get intimate when she felt a very small bulge in his pants and was underwhelmed, so the NRE just disappeared like dominos falling over. She then went on for half hour about all of the ways he could never even begin to compare to me, even down to dumb stuff like the cars we drove, haha. So definitely be careful about the NRE and remember how quickly things can change when that’s in the picture, even over things that are probably pretty trivial in a real relationship.
In my own dealings, I’ve also found that judicious cannabis use helps to embrace and work through feelings of jealousy and bimonthly MDMA use with partners seems to help maintain a NRE like feeling.
The fact that you started as a sugar relationship is probably a very good thing, since you don’t have marriage, divorce or kids in the picture to muck things up even more. You’re already in a relationship that’s off the beaten path and done on your own terms so an open relationship is just another step in that direction. There’s no way my situation could have worked if #2 didn’t start as a sugar baby. It took an allowance to get her to spend enough time with me to form the bond we have. Dealing with the wife initially, was also a really nasty affair. Going from player to her perfect husband (on paper, I sure look it) back to player was a huge thing for wifey to wrap her head around.
The key to your post is:
‘The jealousy consumed me to the point where I couldn’t function at my day job.’ This indicates you are not the right type for an open relationship. You need to get on with your life, the same as when any relationship does not work out.
That being said, @DogDaddy’s advice to read and talk to your partner is good. You need to decide for yourself what YOU want out of a relationship. Once you know that, you can communicate with him what you need.
I too tend to agree more with @fla_boater, but maybe that’s just because I’m not polygamous.
I have a few close friends in polygamous relationships and communication with, and happiness of, their primary partner seems to be the most important thing. Whether or not that’s common in polygamy is kind of beyond me, but it certainly makes sense if it’s going to work long term. This doesn’t seem to be the focus of your current partner, so that’s a bit of a concern.
Beyond that, I’m not really qualified to discuss, except to say that polygamy isn’t for everyone.
Thank you @DogDaddy for giving me a different prospective especially from a Male mind. I am sure he’s feeling NRE right now and I guess I want him to feel good and very happy because I love him.
To everyone else I think you’re also right, Im not thinking Im cut out for this. Normally Im a productive successful woman and have never had a relationship effect me like this. Its just not healthy and Im gonna have to talk to him to see whats best but Im inclined to end it…
A few other points to consider:
If you feel this much jealousy, then this probably is a very important relationship to you.
Would you really feel better if you just blew it off at this point, or would you end up feeling terrible for a few months only to come out the other end with nothing? You should at most, tell him to take a break and regroup later, after his NRE has passed and you feel less angry. I would advise against making a decision about anything important in life while emotions are at their highest.
Polyamory is NOT easy. Jealousy is an ugly beast and it will always be there. It’s also strongest only when you care. I think of polyamory as a fight against jealousy. Overcome the beast and you can continue to enjoy your time with someone while you still enjoy others. Most people will succumb to the beast and blow off otherwise great relationships over what’s essentially nonsense, because there’s usually nothing to be gained by ending a relationship as long as the person isn’t demanding more from you than you can give, or keeping you from your life’s purpose.
So I wanted to update everyone on this because this thread may help someone later on! Shout out to @Dogdaddy!
I could not have been more wrong you guys. Almost every assumption I made was wrong! Sometimes as women we just freak out and our Men don’t know why. I was ashamed to communicate my emotional needs and how I felt but as soon as we started talking I realized he was CLUELESS! I’m serious just clueless, no idea I was hurting, didn’t understand why I had such an attitude. Poor guy!
A.) My beau didn’t realize that I needed routine and for the schedule to be a certain way to feel safe & loved. He asked for a schedule change so we’d see each other sooner this week, I assumed he was going on a fabulous road trip with one of the others. I should have just asked! Last week he did go somewhere with one of the others but that was their 1st outing.
B.) My radar as a woman is spot on and he did begin seeing someone about 3 weeks ago, I felt it in my gut. I’m kinda impressed with my intuition that I was able to feel the shift. He is experiencing NRE but he never meant to shift his attentions so much , he didn’t realize he did this to me and couldn’t understand why I was acting out. I saw him pulling away while he was just adjusting to the feelings.
C.) He didn’t realize I had unmet emotional needs because I never said anything. In truth I just expected him to know because we are so insync otherwise. I’m ashamed to ask for things, but he can’t give me something I never asked for. He empowered me by telling me to just ask without fear, he wants me to be happy.
He explained to me there are 3 of us! Whoa this blew me away at first but then I understood more once he told me about each of us and our strengths and differences.
He has done a good job of balancing all of our needs under the circumstances. He gets that I love him and this is why I had such a visceral reaction. It’s hard to love after divorce and he also gets that aspect of it for me. He’s explained to me he deals with each of us differently, we receive the same allowance and he loves helping us financially and making us happy.
Now instead of jealousy I love knowing that my man has such a big heart he wants to care for all 3 of us.
We are all very different and I’m not competing with them as I initially thought. Now that I know enough about the other 2 I feel so much better! Each relationship is different and even the type of sex and emotions are different. He has offered to work on the future schedule together so I get quality time and our connection gets stronger.
Congrats! You guys took a big step in the relationship world and you’ll forever be a better person for it.
Yaaaayy, so happy for you!!! This is the best possible outcome of such a challenging lesson in the importance of communication. I’m glad you’ve found someone truly understands you, restores your faith in love, and empowers you to vocalize your needs with the confidence that they deserve to and will be met. Best wishes for all of you moving forward. XO
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