Home Sugar Support™ Forum Money Feeling awkward about clarifying my needs

This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by SouthernSD SouthernSD 3 months ago.

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  • #105191

    ferngully_girl
    Participant

    Most of the men I talk to on SA are pretty businesslike when it comes down to discussing expectations. They might not get into the details, but they will usually say “I want XYZ relationship and can provide XYZ in return”. By contrast, the POT I am talking to now is not businesslike at all. We are close in age, and our chats have felt very organic, much like normal dating. He told me he met his last two long term girlfriends on SA and that he’d probably financially support his partner no matter where he met them. We are getting along really well, and he seems like the real deal.

    I’ve been told by so many girls to hold off on sex until an arrangement is made, and I’m inclined to do just that. But I honestly don’t know how I’m going to have that conversation without ruining the very natural vibe between me and this guy. We are essentially peers, and he could easily get a date offline. I feel awkward asking for an allowance, and I feel awkward telling him that’s why I’m holding off on sex. I’d totally do a relationship with this guy if that is what he’s after, but for me, support is vital and I want to know what I’m getting before I invest my time. We’ve been talking all week and have a second date this weekend. Any advice?

    #105195

    TeslaBaby
    Participant

    You have to look out for yourself first. It appears you are talking to him way too much and not valuing your time. You are putting his needs and feelings before yours and it’s clouding your judgement and therefore making you lose sight of why you decided to engage in a SR.

    You just have to bring it up. There’s no formula or perfect way to do this. I guarantee you that he will not be nervous at all about making sure he gets what he wants. Men like to get the most out of women with the least amount of effort. He’s no different so stop romanticizing this situation because you’ve only known him a couple weeks max I presume. Again, put your needs first. If not, he will end up reaping all the benefits and you will only have yourself to blame.

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  TeslaBaby.
    #105222
    NotSoNewbie
    NotSoNewbie
    Participant

    @ferngully_girl
    I completely understand your situation. I’ve been there twice now, with devastating consequences for my safety and dignity.

    When I first entered the sugar world I was afraid of being seen “messing around” with an older man. It’s a really BIG taboo where I’m from. So I felt lucky when I met a young guy who was also willing to take care of me financially.Basically someone I could date in “real life”.

    That idea was my(and could be your) downfall. Because at the end he used my infatuation to control me and I gave in because i knew he could always find a pretty girl without offering money.

    Always remember why you came to SR. If you are satisfied with vanilla dating then why are you seeking sugar? My advice is to avoid the young guys. When things fail to work out that’s when you see their immaturity. He might stalk you for months on end, asking for a “hookup” AKA sex for pay. Or he will dump you because you are making things too complicated.

    Next time you find a guy like that either quit sugar and date him the usual way or quit him and keep moving to your goals.

    The business-like ones are better. It means they can put aside the romance side of things and talk about facts.
    Goodluck

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by NotSoNewbie NotSoNewbie.
    #105235

    ferngully_girl
    Participant

    @NotSoNewbie My concern is that this guy in particular DOES enjoy the romantic side of things. I find him attractive, but I am not as invested and feel like I’m going to offend him when I do get down to business about money. He is early 30’s, and so are most of the guys I’ve been talking to lately, so I’m really wondering now if I can even find what I’m after. I just haven’t felt at all comfortable on my dates with men over 40. I’d take a lower allowance from a younger man, but I would never forego an allowance for a younger man– this one can afford my usual asking point. There is good negotiating power in being the wanted party, but it’s really easy to ruin that by interrupting someone’s fantasy.

    #105246
    SouthernSD
    SouthernSD
    Participant

    Well said notsonewbie

    @Ferngully I think you will find that most young SD on Seeking are really just trying to up their game and not necessarily benefactors.
    The SB can speak to that better.

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