Home Sugar Support™ Forum Advice How should I pursue this quiet-natured POT? Right balance?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Alex74 11 months, 1 week ago.

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    ** If you would rather skip the whole backstory, paragraphs with asterisks are the important “plot points” here. “POT points”…? LOL

    I met up with a younger POT off of SA about a month and a half ago—we grabbed a late night drink and chatted for about an hour. We weren’t really vibing until I mentioned his gorgeous dogs from his profile and then we started talking about family and his early jobs and our diverse racial backgrounds. We just clicked. He drove me home and in my gut I wanted to kiss him goodnight but I remembered some advice I saw on here and didn’t do so. We kept texting here and there afterward, always shorter texts from him, but communication was steady.

    Fast forward a month and we FINALLY get to meet up again. He called me an Uber X to drive me to his place and greeted me at the door. (Having a moment: he was even more handsome than I remembered. UNF.) We went to the kitchen and he smoked a little and I could tell something was off. I asked him about his day and assured him that I was genuinely interested. I came up with a solution to his problem on the spot (his friend is also his personal assistant, easy fix he’s overlooked due to being busy) and it seemed to help clear his mind, to set him at ease. We went out to the grocery store briefly (he offered to wait for me so I could choose some snacks for our movie night; a man after my own heart LOL) and settled in for the evening.

    It was then that I asked, “so what were you looking for on SA?” He explained that he’s looking for something casual this time because women often become frustrated with how busy he gets and he can’t keep going through that. He also explained how he’s sick and tired of girls who have no drive and no desire to build something of their own. I connected with this so much because that’s exactly what brought me to SA: uninspired, do-nothing men who are only interested in one thing (and since that’s what the world has come to, I was going to make sure I was with someone worthwhile). Our conversation completely derailed my focus though, and we just got to talking and enjoying each other’s company. I got the signal from him that he wanted to kiss me and we did start making out, so of course part of me expected that I’d get the signal for sex next. Without having any expectations ironed out, that part of me was nervous.

    Earlier on, he had brought me his duvet since I was freezing and when he went to put it back he lingered in the bedroom and talked to me from there. I followed to see for myself where this was going. He laid back on the bed—clearly tired (it was 6am at this point)—and asked if I wanted to stay or if I’d like him to call me a ride home. I had a headache at this point and appreciated that he gave me the choice so I said I’d cuddle for a half hour more. Six hours later we started to wake up, very well rested, stirring more than anything. I could sense that gut feeling from the car after our M&G again: this time every time he moved around I dreaded him to getting out of bed. But I still didn’t know what his expectations were.

    ** We lay with his head on my chest and his arms around me for a while. Still hadn’t had sex so I just dove in: “Can I ask you my burning question? Because of how we met, do you want this to be more casual or more like an arrangement?” He said that he really wanted to go with the flow of what he felt (which reiterated the same point he had made the night before) and that he didn’t want to pressure me into anything I don’t want. I expected this response. I thought on it a while longer before saying “Oh trust me, I WANT IT… but I’m not sure what to say—” He assured me not to overthink it. “Since I don’t know what to say, I’m just going to say the words that come to me.” I’m sure he knew what was coming. “Obviously it would be nice to be taken care of but I’m enjoying myself so much with you that it feels awkward to even ask.” He said of course. That I was a beautiful young lady with my own condo, working downtown, but didn’t get into specifics related to us.

    The conversation kind of dropped off and I wasn’t sure if he meant the downtown comment as a positive or not but I figured it would be clear soon so I didn’t push it further, just enjoyed the company. Most of the previous evening was spent with him enjoying me massaging his arms and back so I continued that for a bit; we STILL hadn’t had sex and, true to his word, I never felt as if I had to once! He checked his snapchat and let me watch over his shoulder, commenting on how he can’t do the partying and drinking thing anymore. We got up eventually and he made me a breakfast smoothie and we chatted until his friend came over (who brought another friend). I’m enough of an introvert to notice that my POT was smiling but he wasn’t feeling having extra people in his space; I got the sense that it happens a lot and maybe that’s why he’s looking for one-on-one companionship.

    ** He called me an Uber X to get me back home and he told me to text him or that he would text me, I don’t remember. When I did, he sent me short texts back as usual (and it struck me that the only time I saw him on his phone in over 12 hours was to view a couple of snapchats). When I sent him another saying that I enjoyed our time I was shocked to receive 2.5ish actual texts with full sentences! Later I dropped an innuendo and didn’t hear, sent him a pic and didn’t hear, waiting a couple of days in between each, and hoped that he was just busy. *Cue female paranoia, of course. LOL* He texted me on Thursday night (which seems to be his most digitally active day of the week), apologized for the delay, hoped I had an amazing week and was so overtired working 15 hour days. (I replied conversationally but I’m certain he went to bed.)

    ** Checked in the next day and he responded, adding that he’s so busy. “Bet I could help take your mind off of it,” I replied. Nothing, unfortunately. The next day was Saturday so I thought I’d ask if he was up to anything. He said he was just working away and asked what I was up to. I replied in kind and added “Let me know if you want to have more fun than ‘just working away’.” I didn’t really hear from after that though. I don’t want to crowd him with texts so I wished him a happy thanksgiving on Monday (would rather do so than not) and haven’t contacted him since. I’m only allowing for space but I’m not sure if I should/he prefers that? We’re so similarly-natured that I don’t want to let a connection like this slip.

    ** Here’s my dilemma: we have really good energy (what the 2.5 texts were about!) and it seems that he genuinely enjoyed spending time together but is so busy that I don’t hear from him very often. Short of outright asking him how much communication he prefers (which I’m not averse to doing), is there a more elegant way of navigating this? It took about a month to arrange the M&G in the first place and then another month to spend actual time together. I kept communicating fairly actively during those two months but now that we’ve hung out, I don’t want to appear to come on too strong, nor do I want to appear disinterested (in case he really is looking for that one-on-one spark). What is the right balance here?


    He’s wasting your time.

    He seems like a nice guy, and if you want to date him you certainly can. But keep in mind that dating him will be occasional and infrequent contact, and probably won’t grow beyond that.

    There are 2 major aspects of a SR that make it different than a normal relationship.

    1. Accelerated. You skip the initial getting to know you stage and jump straight to dating and all that entails.
    2. No strings attached. When you are together you are together, but when you are apart you are apart.

    He wants a SR because he really wants that second part. He wants someone to be there when his schedule allows, but not when it doesn’t (nothing wrong with that, that’s why a lot of us are here). The problem is he wants it without a SR. He isn’t stepping up to his side and deflecting when you ask about it.

    He needs to know exactly what you want and answer the simple question of if he is willing to provide that or not. If he doesn’t provide it easily (you shouldn’t have to push for it). Move on.

    Fwiw, it’s typically not a good idea to go to a private location without an arrangement in place, though it sounds like he was a gentleman and you had a good night.


    Thank you, David, and thank you for such a quick reply! Looking at it from the perspective you’ve brought will definitely make bringing it up a lot easier. I would’t mind seeing him casually but first and foremost, I definitely need a straight answer as to whether he wants A or B.



    I too concur with @davidsd

    The whole point of SR is being upfront

    Yes it’s awkward but then once an arrangement has been agreed it doesn’t need to be discussed again

    I’d move on and focus elsewhere personally but …

    If you want to pursue him then wait until he contacts you again and then ask the question – does he want an arrangement or not as the main purpose you’re on SA is to find one

    Balls in his court then.

    I don’t think he fully understands SA or he thinks he can skip the whole arrangement part but basically after a M&G the only time you’d need to meet up again is to discuss the arrangement if you hadn’t already done that at the M&G

    Ps if I was local and we had chemistry I’d pick up the signals (and I’m introvert too) make an arrangement and make a move 😂 Your profile pic is stunning



    This guy is a waste of your time. First, you thought it was okay to have him drop you off after the M&G at your home and to go to his home for the next meeting, but you thought better of kissing him at the end of the M&G? You’re perception of right and wrong starting a relationship is out of whack, I don’t know what advice you were following to not kiss him if you were interested in him, but I think most reasonable SD and SB agree a kiss is a good ending to a successful M&G (but hardly required). On the flipside, you never saw any advice to not have a POT SD take you home after a M&G or go to his house at the start of a first date?

    Beside that, what I read is how he seems to move you off the subject of allowance whenever you try to discuss it, seems like he’s just using SA as a dating site, he’s not a serious SD.

    Do you really like this guy enough to have any relationship that will not involve an allowance and him contacting you when he feels like it?

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