Home Sugar Support™ Forum Relationships Married to a SugarBaby…..I'm not the SD

This topic contains 19 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by NyxTJ NyxTJ 11 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #3236

    thatvibeyoufeel
    Participant

    So…..
    As we my wife and I are approaching 5 months of ‘sugaring’, I will begin by stating the facts. First off we are married and happily at that, but have entertained this idea of ‘Sugaring’ as a means to an adventure and new experiences. Secondly, we are transparent and have open communications about all that is involved minus details which have been defined early on to ensure comfortability and acceptance, (that is by my wife on what she wishes to divulge, and what I’m comfortable with hearing). Lastly, boundaries and understanding as well as mutual respect by both of us is always kept and maintained so that we know in the end nothing affects our relationship. Now that I have laid out the groundwork, I would like to lend an insight to my story and why I feel that maybe sometime in the future I will be writing more open blog about this and express what it means to endure and venture down this road.

    In the beginning some of the things which I feel are critical to establishing and maintaining are the protocols of communication and understanding. With this comes respect and other benefits. I can honestly state this up front, if you and your wife or husband do not have positive open and effective communications in your relationship, this will fail, you will end up hurt or she will, and the relationship will deteriorate at a rate in which you mind will not even be able to comprehend. I can speak to this only because, even in our strongest aspects of respect, communication and love we share for one another, we have experienced and can honestly see where if these things are missing in your relationship, it will be forever damaged and broken. Boundaries are another aspect in which have to be clearly defined, as we have a set rule that nothing passes the threshold of our house and our home as well as our “inner’ circle of our relationship to put an description around it. Now I won’t get into the details of all that unless necessary or asked in email, but to merely provide guidance if needed. One of the things which makes this situation or endeavor tricky is that you have to as the husband and from my perspective is to be able to “box” per se all that occurs between him and her, and realize that it will never intrude or affect the bond you have with your wife, and for that it will never affect the bond I have established with her, and I know that I don’t have to compete as I have already won her love, compassion and all that encompasses our relationship. “Boxing” as we have defined allows us to allow whatever occurs be isolated in a box and mentally destroyed at the end of the night, weekend, trip or whatever does happen between her and him. Now let me state tho, due to boundaries and clear communication both parties need to realize that there are certain aspects of safety and other affects which are exceptions to this, which could include but not limited to pressure to do things she’s not comfortable with by the SD, put in situations where she doesn’t have a choice and feels backed into a corner, self esteem and confidence (to some degree), and some others which I will go into detail possibly at a later post. My best piece of advice is to always be supportive and objective and realize to set those exceptions aside and when talking about them, (as these would be defined as not talked about in the beginning but due to the trauma they have inflicted on her mentally and physically, you have to step inside that box) and be able to listen to her and work with her to cope and heal. Now, Disclaimer, what you may hear from her, may be hurtful at first, or something you don’t want to hear, but you have to realize in the long run no matter how long you are involved in this adventure, in the end the two strongest people out of this are you both. Nothing else matters.

    For me it was easy in the beginning to ‘box’ my own thoughts, objections and things which I wasn’t comfortable with as I knew that they had no meaning between her and him, and as we had both come to agreeable terms in the beginning prior to starting this, was that when it’s all said and done, our lives would not be affected. I think the things which made this a bit easier to was the proper expectations of why we or she was getting into this was for the experiences, travel and being a bit spoiled, and not the physical or sexual aspect of it. This was never our goal and has never been even to this day at 5 months and counting later. She had always no matter whom she setup first meetings with, made this abundantly clear that “I will not be sleeping with you on the first date or even close to this as I am not in this for that aspect of the arrangement”, and on that “I’m a person of experiences and travel and being spoiled in a certain fashion that doesn’t require intimacy as that is not what is lacking in my marriage”. When this was established it made things much easier for us to vet out POT’s and see where things would evolve. Her words as expressed every time were that she always feels even to this day, that there has to be comfortability with the situation and why I’m (her) doing this, and chemistry between her and him. If the chemistry is not there and there is no companionship, she was able to easily determine whether POT was a candidate for future ‘dates’, ‘excursions’ etc. It takes a strong man to be able to mentally separate what happens between you and your wife on your level and having the knowledge of what ‘could’ be happening with your wife and him. I will be the first to admit that this is easy in the beginning as I knew that she would not be doing anything intimate with them initially because of her own confidence and decision skills, but our agreement between us to not let it be pressured unto her. Now there were some encounters, as I would describe them, which this was clearly the POT’s intent, as to let me spoil you now, here in the first encounter and then we can go to a hotel and I will give you xxx $ for what I expect (whispered into her ear) of the adult fun wanted. Since my wife and I have such a great communication we would always talk about this an laugh but learn a lesson from it. From that is my 2nd piece of advice – directed more to the potential SD’s, nothing makes a girl feel more like a prostitute or and escort when you say things like this. These types of meetings do not deliver a man of maturity and respect and allow her to feel like she has some worth. With that being said, if you are a SD POT, use your head and moral dignity as a human and be mature and respectful of her, treat her with class, respect and value and that will take you much further. I guarantee you that. This will also protect you a bit from the possibly over-jealous type of man who she may be involved with wanting to whoop the classless ever living shit out of you just for fact, and believe me, when I say this as I’m not that type, but there were occasions where I was hard pressed NOT to want to protect her and set ‘him’ straight, but thinking with a clear mind and allowing her to handle the situation allowed this to work itself to good resolve.

    As time evolved on and we found 2 POT’s which worked out and have been working out quite well, all expectations clearly defined and ‘experiences’ which occurred have been for the most part, fine, beneficial and valuable to both her and him, with no recourse. However, that is not to say that it doesn’t come with some apprehension from me as I thought it would not be hard for me to ‘box’ or isolate ‘would-be’ happenings with her and him as time evolved on as I knew and she knew that at some point, it would get physical on some level, intimate in some regard and yeah… The worst part about this, is that no matter how strong you are as the husband, your mind will wander, create scenarios and go down some dark paths you just don’t want to even encounter. For me that was the hardest as I had to re-assure myself over and over again that its’ ok, it’s not meaningful, and she’s not enjoying this for that aspect of the arrangement, it’s merely a by-product event which happens. This is where some more advice comes into play – Guys if you are married in this or long lasting relationship with her, find something to do. Occupy your time and do something which you enjoy and can let your mind be consumed by those things and not the What-If’s which are going to be generated when you have time on your hands and are sitting idly by, cause believe me, when you have nothing but time to kill, your mind will F*** with you so bad that you will eventually create spite, and arguments with her out of jealousy and fear. I can speak from experience on this, as it happened on some occasions, but thru positive communication and talking about it at some level, allows you and her to come to terms, and realize the reality of the situation and ‘box it’ and be done with it for the evening. The hardest part not only as mentioned above was, also that as the night wore on and I had only time to kill, I found myself dreading the end of the night and waiting for her to come home to me. Knowing in my mind as a guy, from the most primal level what our instincts want us to do when we are with a girl who’s hot and gorgeous and know what we are investing (my perspective as if i was an SD with a SB), what is my benefit at the end of the night going to be…..our goal – Score. And those of you who are adult enough, know what that means. So knowing this on the primal level as a man, makes it hard to cope and ‘box’ if you will. But YOU have to be strong and have boundaries and know the rules and she has respected with you and it, that it’s not something she is desiring (at least for the both of us that is the case), but really it’s you and this is just a means to an end. Now that doesn’t always apply as i have read some blogs here and there and some married women are in this as they are not satisfied at home in their marriage and for that, I commend you. And there are some that they are in open relationships where he is ok with her pursuing this as it pleases him to know that she is looking for that to enhance her sexually and also positively enhance their sex life also, for that I commend you both also. I’m merely speaking from my perspective and the viewpoint of what it’s like to be married in a endeavor such as this where that is NOT the goal or desire. As for the struggles and emotions, I will delve into this more and at length when I establish my blog about this journey as I plan to catalog this till the end.

    Enhancement of life by enjoying the experiences, spoiled furnishings and living life to it’s every bit of fulfillment and value. We both believe in living our lives to the fullest by being open to any adventure and experience, and for this it comes with a small cost, and can be a bit trying at time, but I assure you, maintain the highest levels of trust, communication and faith in one another and the benefits will be greatly enjoyed and experienced. We both went into this with open minds and stable understandings of what was at stake and for that moment then, and now, we both know it has an end of life which we both pre-set in the beginning and I think that this is crucial also, as it allows to know that there is an end for both people involved and that life will go back to normal. Not only is hard for me to have to sit idly by and proverbially be ‘sharing’ my wife with another man, it’s not easy for her as I’m finding out more that we talk about it. There are aspects of boredom, emptiness and guilt which play a big part in this as it’s a struggle for her internally knowing that she’s doing this, and it’s not with her husband. So the strength is not only for me that is needed but for her as well, and it’s extremely important to be each other’s support system no matter what and listen with open heart and mind to overcome anything that comes your way in helping her but also allowing her to release and heal. She will heal and release and be able to better help you if you maintain this.

    More to come….

    #3317
    SouthernSD
    SouthernSD
    Participant

    That’s interesting take on this. I have seen a few on SA in my town that are similar as yours. Most are young couples were the wife realized she married a loser with no ambition and would like to up her game. There was one recently that the women was in an open marriage and she had a good career but wanted more. She said she was not looking for cash but more the lifestyle and gifts. Her profile was gone after about a month and a half. So she either found someone or got frustrated with the fakes, I think she found a SD. She was good looking and looked like she carried herself well.

    This subject has come up on other blogs, there is a consensus that many, not all, SD with be hesitant to go with a married woman due to that fact the don’t want to be helping out the husband either directly or indirectly.

    #3349

    thatvibeyoufeel
    Participant

    Yeah it’s for sure an interesting aspect of this whole entire endeavor that is for sure. Honestly enough, in our marriage we know that we are both happy and there is nothing lost between us, it’s just an adventure and new and exciting, well at least in the beginning it was for both of us. Right now it’s at an impasse and we are trying to figure out if there is anything else we want out of this endeavor. I think ours falls into the wanting more but not in the aspect of the bedroom per se as we both know that it’s not lacking for either of us. it’s just new experiences and life journeys which intrigued us and possibly using it as a potential good networking tool for future. I’m not sure how much longer we are going to continue down this, but I can say this much it’s a situation which there are not many out there who are in quite the same boat that is for sure. I have also seen many which feel as you stated in the last sentence but I can say in our area, many of the SD’s here don’t really care one way or the other and she has had her share of meetings with all types of SD’s here in our Metro.

    #3352
    SouthernSD
    SouthernSD
    Participant

    Thatvibe has your wife travelled with a SD? If not would that be OK with you arrangement?

    Also, have you ever been at first meet, not with her but sitting off some where having a coffee
    or drink but watching ? More from a safety stand point?

    #3663

    1Creativebaby
    Participant

    Hello I find myself in this situation only I am or plan on being- the Sugar Baby. I don’t think I will get many hits due to my situation but is there any advice you could give that might help? Or could I possibly talk to your wife? Thanks in advance on way or the other.

    #3664

    thatvibeyoufeel
    Participant

    @southernsd – Yes she has on multiple occasions only after the trust and understanding has been built up. We only agree to traveling which she has done now about 5 times with him, but she refers to me as her handler at all times. There are also a few things which are required by us and me mainly before she can go and says yes, all of which she tells him. First and foremost is utmost safety at all times. I ask for copies of the tickets for planes both ways prior, itineraries of where they are traveling to and staying and room numbers of hotels. Now if it’s BNB type places its a bit more tricky, but I make them send me the address of the Air BNB before leaving. I also enact a 3hr window of checkin at all times, and a phone call at least one day out of a 4 day trip if it’s that long. Usually my wife only will go for that long as any longer is too stressful on her. I also have multiple other safety systems in place when she leaves and travels so that I can monitor where she is and things just in case. I am ok with her traveling yes but it all has to be planned out and ensured of utmost comfortability by her and me and trust and safety. As for the other aspect, I am always at all the first meets no question. We never set up a meet where I’m not at least within about 200 ft or 500 ft of the meeting, be it lunch, dinner or otherwise, even shopping. I have to ensure that it’s about safety and other means by all things above. I don’t and have not ever met any in person as my wife feels that would be awkward and I have to agree. But yes in all first encounters I’m always close by as an exit and safety perspective.

    @1creativebaby – You will get tons of hits, as there are many SD’s whom do love this aspect as it adds a bit of spice and fire to the arrangement as most like to think of it as not only an SB type situation but a discreet tryst. Albeit that in their heads can be whatever they want, as longs as you are up front and explain it to the SD, let him believe what he wants as long as you know in your head that it’s not just you only doing this, it’s both you and your husband / BF. Always remember to do background checks, validate all types of information that you possibly can to ensure your safety, set up proper checkin procedures, and Text messages, create Emergency codes like we have 3 for any type of situation, which tells me in any event the status. IF i see any of the higher 2 codes we have set, then i know i have to be en route to her asap or immediately depending on the nature and such. With all dates and dinners and events all these stay active, Meaning that if she’s out on a dinner date, then drinks and then a sporting event, I always try to position myself within 20-30 min drive of their location at all times. We also have GPS tracking for her so that I can monitor her in the event something happens and comms are out. We also have enacted safety calls, not as in phone calls, but procedures that if after 2 hrs no texts have come in, she has one hour before the 3 hour mark to make text communication to me, if at 3 hrs, nothing I send a text to her and then cross check both GPS to find out where she is. If after 4 hrs and no text or anything, GPS is validated again, Texts are sent and she has 10-15 min now to respond. GPS checked at the 4:15 Mark and if nothing, Phone call from me to her. If no reply or answer on call, she has 15 minutes before I drive to her at the 4:30 Mark. At 4:30 all safety protocols are in play, and all others aspects are eliminated which we have an understanding as at that point, it’s about her safety now and I and her both know that. So I would at that point be on point to go in and interrupt or whatever to get a check in or rescue per se. You might be able to talk to her, let me see if she’s up for it.

    Hope this helps.! Thanks for reading and the support, but I assure you, have a game plan in play, guidelines, Safety procedures and protocols in place and all your bases covered.

    -Thatvibe

    #3665

    thatvibeyoufeel
    Participant

    @southernsd I would like to share email addresses if you don’t mind and ask some questions and talk to you about how things are for advice perspective and if you are interested in a proposal of sorts. Let me know.

    #3674
    SouthernSD
    SouthernSD
    Participant

    @thatvibeyoufeel. I’m good with that. Leave an email on here and I will contact you.

    #3720

    thatvibeyoufeel
    Participant

    email – [email protected] Email me here. Thanks so much!

    #3753
    SouthernSD
    SouthernSD
    Participant

    @thatvibe. I sent you an email. Check your spam folder if not in you inbox. I’ve had people tell me it went to their spam folder.

    #15409

    Ladida
    Participant

    I think that some SDs like the fact that SB is married or they dont care, because in this case down in a road she wont ask them to marry.

    In scenario when SB`s husband is not aware that his wife is sugaring, how can she keep these two lives separate? Any advice?

    #16169
    Trina
    Trina
    Keymaster

    @thatvibeyoufeel This is a very interesting take on the Sugar life…have you ever thought about submitting a confessions blog on Let’s Talk Sugar?

    #41932

    Threelogy
    Participant

    Just want to say this info has been very helpful to me. We have many similarities and all of this information has been very beneficial and made me made up my mind to go for it. My wife will also be dating a SD. My wife is a exotic dancer and this SD met her there. From the moment he seen her he wanted her and never let up. Only after weeks of been persistent and giving her lots of money up to $1200 at one time we decided to check this SD/SB world. Now she is going to meet him like for an hour on Thursday the 17th 2018. We are very open minded and I really have no problem with any of this. For us we are doing it for the money to better lifes and put ourselves in a better position to open our business. Will update if this post strikes any interest.

    #48228

    NorCalGrl21
    Participant

    Hi! Im a complete newbie sb. I havent even figured out what or if Im going to do yet. I have a fiance (who I havent mentioned this to yet bit of course would if I actually decided to meet a SD) and we are financially in a tough place. Im disabled (you wouldnt know to look at me, Im epileptic) & I have to work from home. Finding a remote posituon that pays a decent salary is virtually impossible and my fiance, well he did some stupid criminal sh*t in his early 20’s and it haunts him when applying for jobs to this day! Victimless (mostly, this chick have him the keys to her car and never mentioned hiw far he coukd take it, I put that on her drunk ass) crimes as the others involved drugs from which he is now clean. So he works as an artist – making metal art by hand with a plasma cutter & welder. We make money off his work and I make a couple hundred bucks a month as a contract and freelance writer. Its not even enough to survive in CA and we have already moved from the city to the mountains where things are cheaper and also slower and less crowded so there were ressons other than money that we moved. I read an article about SA and took a look and ended up making a profile. I dont know if he’d go along with it but it could be a way to survive. We own a nice house but its older and needs a few VERY important repairs (I owned a teeny 1-bed condo in the East Bay & made enough from the sale to buy our house but it needs repairs stat!) I was hoping to find someone nice who wanted companionship and not necessarily intimacy but I quickly learned that no one is going to help you out, give you allowance or invest in helping our art company grow with out some sexual reciprocation. Im ok with that. I learned long ago to compartmentalize that kind of thing … and it wouldnt make me love my man any less I just know he’d be prob super jealous etc … is it poss to find platonic SD??? I doubt it but can rules be estanlished regarding sexual contact? Im so new I dont know what to do. I just know he cant get a job and I work 3 plus putting his work up for sake online and make nothing. Sometimes we – and Im serious – go hungry for a couple days bc we have no money and no food. Im ok with sexually gratifying a SD but Im pretty sure he wont be since over our years together hes proven to be a bit of the jealous type (Scorpio! lol) Any advice???? Thanks!

    #48235
    SFwinefan
    SFwinefan
    Participant

    @norcalgrl21, wow, you have a lot to unpack in the posting. This will not be linear to your questions, but bear with me.

    Essentially you need do decide the following:

    1) Tell you Fiance about pursuing being a SB – your risk is that he will tell you no (if he does that, you’re done)
    2) Be discreet, hide it, and hope he does not find out – given the financial drivers here, that will be very, VERY tough so I do not recommend it

    However, before making that decision however, you need to think about your motivations. In your posting, I get the sense you want to do this for the money because you have an immediate need. That is a recipe for failure in the sugar bowl. It is hard work being an SB, and often takes a long time to find an SD. That is especially true when you’re in a more remote location.

    That means you are probably better off putting the time and effort you would to find a sugar relationship into finding that job that will pay better. The one note I would add, is that he single biggest thing you can do to achieve that is work on your writing. You have a number of grammar and spelling issues in your post that would keep me from having confidence in your communication abilities.

    Finally, you are not likely to find that platonic SD. I last saw one on a Snipe hunt years ago, and that was not successful either.

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