Home Sugar Support™ Forum First Meetings Meeting First POT as SB

This topic contains 26 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by N2fungirl N2fungirl 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 27 total)
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  • #55305
    N_kari
    N_kari
    Participant

    So tomorrow I will meet my first POT for M&G. He was one of the first to contact me when I created my account almost two weeks ago. He knows about me being trans and even took the news well along with my deescalating his enthusiasm about what the M&G would entail. We’ve been in regular contact via text and he seems nice (as nice as anyone can be after a few txt messages). I have chosen a outfit that is casual but smart ( Dark green blouse with dark blue tight fit jeans and tan color boots and bag) and will do makeup and hair in the morning to suit. We will be meeting in a local coffee shop so its public and I know the area well so its also safe.

    Im looking forward to the M&G but also keeping a level head about what to expect. Started this threat so that I can write an update later and say if it was good or bad. Any last minute advice from SB’ or SD’s that I might be able to adopt for the M&G outside being myself and honest?

    #55306
    SimpleSimone
    SimpleSimone
    Participant

    Have fun and smile and I look forward to hearing how it goes!

    #55307
    N_kari
    N_kari
    Participant

    @simplesimone As always simple but great advice… Shame I cant make Jam 😉

    #55308
    SimpleSimone
    SimpleSimone
    Participant

    Happy to send you the recipe if you ever want to try. It is ridiculously easy and terribly yummy 🙂 but I have a feeling you will do just fine without any gimmicks at all!

    #55312
    willow6
    willow6
    Participant

    Yay how exciting!
    Please do keep us updated☺
    Just the usual safety advice,makingsure someone knows where you are,getting to and from the M+G by yourself,etc.
    Good luck!

    #55315

    AFuryforluxury
    Participant

    Keep us in the loop !

    And although I’m sure you had your share of idiots in your life, make sure to vet him properly during the M&G, which means, make him talk… a lot!

    Enjoy !

    #55320

    MIS
    Participant

    I must admit I’m jealous. Please be safe and have a good time. Most importantly report back here ASAP so I can live through you for a little while.

    #55325
    N_kari
    N_kari
    Participant

    Hey everyone!
    Thanks for the interest shown in how my M&G went and advice.
    I arrived early to the coffee shop (around 15 minutes before 11) as I thought it might make a good impression. But then I was faced with sitting on my own without a drink or getting a drink (I’d forgotten my book I am reading). I went and got a pot of tea and sat at a clean table in clear view of the door and messaged the POT to let him know I was at the meeting place and what I was wearing so he knew who to look for (as described last night). He messaged back a few minutes later saying that he was just parking up and would arrive soon.

    I saw him from a distance approaching the coffee shop (it has big windows looking out onto the square) and as he entered I gave him my best smile and a little wave to get his attention. We embraced briefly and he kissed me on my cheeks (continental style). Being the klutz I am I was only expecting the one cheek kiss and went to move away and he pulled me back for the second… I allowed this and made light of my lack of etiquette.

    He noticed I already had a cup of tea which I hadn’t yet drank much of and he offered to buy another. I politely turned him down (at this time I didn’t know how things would go and I had most of my cup and more in the pot). He then got himself a small coffee… I have no clue about coffee. He sat next to me and we got to chatting. We honestly seemed to click and settled into simple chat covering a number of subjects once we had exchanged pleasantries. Some of the topics we covered where general interests (books, shared interest in mythology and sport or rather dislike of golf and cricket and both attending match days at the local satdium) our work, travel (he’s been bragging via text about recently coming back from Turkey and planning a trip to France) and a few other little bits. I have to admit I probably didn’t do a good job of structuring the conversation but instead just rolled with it and related to each topic best I could. The POT didn’t seem to be dictating the conversation either at this point and the conversation never felt forced and I genuinely laughed when appropriate. We covered family and he told me about his (I won’t repeat that here) but he never mentioned a current or previous wife… I didn’t press this point.

    It was about half way though our conversation he became quite (or rather increasingly) handsy and touchy-feely (wanting to hold my hand and putting his and on my nknee or thigh). It was always under control and I did pull away my hand gently once or twice and tried to use body language to indicate that that things where stating to become too much (crossing legs and arms). Only uncrossing them once he put his hands back on the table or on his lap. Maybe this would be frowned upon by the SD’s here but I mad made it clear long before the M&G that this was a simple meet up and I did feel that his advancements where a little bit much for a busy coffee shop.

    It was getting towards the end of our M&G and conversation was waning a little and we both where aware of time (we both had only tickets lasting two hours in the local car park). So I tried to steer the conversation towards SA and asked if he has had any previous arrangements and how he found the site in general. He explained he had one previously but he wasn’t able to explain why it failed. When I pressed about the site he mentioned that most people on SA local to our area operated more like (in his words) “prostitutes”. I can’t explain why but this didn’t sit well with me. In hind sight should I have asked if that’s what he thought I was?

    The conversation continued a little longer and he was complimentary on my appearance and we pencilled in a possible second meet for October 4th when he suggested we should go out for food. He began to get a little handsy again and he asked what we will do next. (This could have been about the next meeting we had just arranged but for some reason I knew he ment more and wanted to “go somewhere today”) I extracted myself reminded that this was just a M&G and made an excuse that we should leave it there for the day. On the way back to the car park he was very insistent on holding my hand and when I got to my floor we hugged briefly and then he asked for a kiss. I gave him a peck and he stated “maybe we could kiss properly”. We were in a public area with people walking past and around us. I felt that this was too much for the M&G and explained as much again (Im not a prude but I genuinely felt uncomfortable with this and that it went against everything I had expressed the M&G would be). Before I left I said it was nice meeting him (thinking about the high points of the conversation) and I was looking forward to the meal.

    When I got back home I messaged and said it was nice meeting and that I hoped he got out of the car park ok (it was getting very busy and traffic was backed up both going in and out) and would he let me know when he got back ok (I do this all the time with people I meet). He messaged when he got home and said he enjoy his time with me.

    Overall I think it went well we chatted in total for a hour and forty five minuets. However it was a few key things that stand out for the wrong reason. My constant reminders of the boundaries of the meet and knowing that he wanted more to happen despite me being clear. It was only when I got back home I realised we never really discussed anything around arrangements and that was the one area where perhaps he was slightly evasive. I can’t remember exactly how it went now but I mentioned looking for more than just one meet up and a longer arrangement. I think this was when he became handy the first time and distracted me. Was I wrong to try discuss an arrangement?

    @afuryforluxury We did talk a lot and yes I meet them daily. Is there anything you would have asked that I haven’t mentioned?
    @mis & @willow6 thank you for your interest. If you have feedback I would love to hear it.
    @simplesimone yes please. I would like to try making jam for myself some time.

    This is getting wordy no but if you get this far I would appreciate any feedback.

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by N_kari N_kari.
    #55328

    AFuryforluxury
    Participant

    @n_kari

    Basically, you went through a typical M&G based on my experiences. The man fights a little to keep a semblance of “class” but it doesn’t take long before he wants to kiss and be all over you. I wouldn’t keep in touch with him. Mind you, I was fooled by my most recent M&G. His behavior was acceptable and he never made any forceful attempt to touch me or get a kiss. The first official date though was a complete disaster. Anyway, those type of touchy-feely men are to be turned down in my opinion. The first official date will probably go towards having sex which will force you to discuss an agreement and will leave you feeling empty and frustrated. It’s up to you to decide of course.

    It’s great that you made him talk, made him feel more comfortable and allowed his true self to surface quickly. That was the main goal.

    Regarding the arrangement, it’s also very common to have trouble discussing it during the first meeting. Especially with the man you met. Although you did have a good conversation, stories are easy to either, invent or recall since it’s not a dangerous territory for both partners. When it comes to the serious talk, that’s when you can pinpoint the flaws.

    In an ideal situation, for me at least, the SD brings up the conversation about the arrangement at the first or second official date, before intimacy occurs, and asks me straight out what are my expectations. So far, it never happened to me.

    As you mentioned being dyslexic in a previous post, I’m pretty certain that telling you this won’t help, but on many occasions, you used “where” instead of “were”.

    I’m glad to have someone that agrees to share their experience here. You can read about some of my M&G as well as my one and only official date on this forum. That can always serve as a learning curve. Other ladies have shared too.

    Most importantly, make sure to check up on your sanity level as you progress in this Seeking journey! It’s quite the ride !

    #55330

    hoosierdaddy
    Participant

    My opinions are colored by my own timeline rules, which aren’t hard rules everyone must follow so take everything with a grain (or shaker) of salt.

    1) An hour and forty-five minutes is WAY too long for a M&G. You’ve basically blurred the line with first date. You may want to cut him some slack on his pushing contact for that reason. If he made you uncomfortable, I get it and you can certainly reject him for it, but just know that you had more of a first date than a M&G.

    2) Your reality is that you have a considerably smaller pool of potential than other SBs. Be certain before kicking anyone out of the pool.

    3) IMO arrangements are not discussed on a M&G. Typically it is near the end of a successful first date. Again, the reason you are wondering if it should have been discussed more is because you had more than a M&G.

    #55336
    N_kari
    N_kari
    Participant

    @hoosierdaddy

    I actually agree with many of the things that you state but I think your right also to say that salt need be applied.

    1) I agree that the length of time for the M&G was on the long side, I was confident that I was in a safe place but some of his advances where off putting and happened within the first half hour of the M&G. However we are talking about two adults here I think my first statement of “nothing will happen on this meet” (when we fist started to text) should have been sufficient. And not required multiple statements to be made.
    2) I am very aware of my limited pool. I believe it is even more limited with being trans. But does this mean i tolerate poor behavior just because of this? Surly the trust I place in a SD to respect my wishes is worth more then allowing a conversation to continue because we seemed to be getting on. The revers is also true. If one cant trust the other is it worth the risk?
    3) Yes I did wonder this and was following the POT’s (or what I assumed was his) lead and didn’t didnt force the issue. Although hes seems to have little experience its still more than i have. I either missed it or there are no writings about this subject on here. Im not a silly woman or even trying to rip anyone off. I know why men and women use this site. Im just trying to do things in a way that keeps me safe and is discreet for both parties.

    I do value your feedback and see your point and I know that I to have a valid points also. However it was a nice chat when i wasn’t gently peeling his hands of me. Whats more I know I am under no obligation if we go though with the next meet to be intimate with him. Especially if he is still evasive on the subject of agreements.

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by N_kari N_kari.
    #55340

    MIS
    Participant

    I’m sure you can take or leave my advice as I haven’t been on a M&G in 2 maybe 3 months but I’m going to give it anyway.
    He’s a loser. Dump him! No further explanation really needed. He made you feel uncomfortable. Move on! Plus that whole prostitute comment made me uncomfortable and I wasn’t even there.

    #55346

    hoosierdaddy
    Participant

    Just to clarify, then I’m tapping out. I in no way was defending his actions. My real point is that a M&G is a few minutes long. I believe very strongly that having a full on date without a M&G is a bad idea. If he made you uncomfortable so early on, it should have been done and dusted and saved you a lot of time- by not having a date at all.

    #55394
    SimpleSimone
    SimpleSimone
    Participant

    @n_kari
    Sorry it took me so long to chime in!

    I am undoubtedly going to get flamed for this, but…

    In my experience (granted mostly vanilla), a lot of otherwise nice (and socially challenged) men can be rather dense and not really understand subtle distancing techniques.

    Think of mules, they do not respond to anything more subtle than a 2×4 between the ears. That does not always mean that they cannot be trained, just that one must be diligent in keeping a 2×4 handy.

    I am not in any way excusing bad behavior or unwanted touching, nor am I saying that this applies to all or even most men!!!

    Just pointing out that, just like mules, with appropriate and very direct and completely unambiguous dissuasion, some can be trained and turn out quite useful.

    If it was me, as the rest of your initial meeting was pleasant, I would be tempted to go on an official “date” with the CLEAR statement that intimacy / touching is NOT on the table sans a clear verbal affirmation from you (and a handy 2×4 at the ready) and see if he responds to more direct training techniques…some men just need and actually enjoy a re-enforcement of boundaries that is rather strong…if they are truly incorrigible then they undoubtedly deserve to be set on fire so add a blow torch (or stun gun) to your 2×4 tool kit!

    Go ahead LTS crowd: let me have it!😜

    #55396

    MIS
    Participant

    There will be no ‘letting you have it’ here tonight @simplesimone. I agree most men can and should be trained. That comment about prostitutes mixed with not being able to take a hint about touching gives me pause. I would clear that up before proceeding. The 2×4 maybe needed for this one.

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