Hey All–I am a new SB, like actively using SA for a week or so, only been on 3 M&Gs so far new. I also have a pre-existing partner of almost 2 years and we are polyamorous. He’s significantly older than me (He’s 39, I’m 23) and lives with his nesting partner who is also around his age. He has always been supportive and kind to me about my other relationships with both men and women and he seems okay with me seeking a SD right now, especially because he knows I’m independent and really good at setting emotional boundaries.
The only negative thing he’s said was having a concern for it impacting me and my self-confidence…he’s noticed how instead of doing my low femme, laidback, casual gal aesthetic I’ve definitely upped my feminine presentation via make-up, taming my hair, wearing cute clothes. I know it’s part of the game, so I don’t see it as fundamentally changing me, but, I’m also super new…so, 3 questions:
1. I guess I’m just kind of stressed out about how this could possibly affect our relationship? How has sugaring impacted your pre-existing vanilla relationships?
2. Separate from this, how has sugaring impacted, if at all, your self-esteem/self-love? I’m a curvy HAPA and there aren’t many of us and while I usually feel sexy and vibrant, I’ve been feeling self-conscious lately about my body and intimidated by the Sugar Bowl since it is such a competitive market for SBs, especially in my area.
3. How do y’all set up healthy emotional boundaries when actively searching? Being active on SA and all of the messaging and all of the scheduling with POTs and all of the conundrums (married, monogamous men) can feel taxing at times.
@sexykoreanpear, welcome to the bowl, and the first thing you need to know is that most communication you receive in your first 2 weeks will not be from legitimate SD’s. Some might by, but most of us wait so we do not get lost in the deluge of scammers and posers. Second, being in the bowl takes some thick skin, so if getting rejected or even nasty messages will impact your self esteem, then it is likely not for you. It is an unfortunate reality with being online.
As to your point #2, yes it is competitive and know that you need to find the POT SD who wants what you have to offer. Even if you do everything right, you may not be successful as there are many more SB’s than SD’s out there. It can take you months to be successful in a search.
For #3, set the boundaries you need to be safe and healthy. If you have no interest in a married man cheating on his wife, then be open about that and know your pool of POT SD’s will drop by about 75% or so. Also understand that you will have to work to get that SD, so it is not an easy way to enhance your lifestyle, it takes work.
Finally, #1. I’m not sure I understand the question. Since you are clearly already polyamorous, I would think you have already built up the skills to balance that and your vanilla life. The dynamic should be similar – you are looking for a Sugar Relationship.
Good luck, if you can get one concept from my reply, know it is not easy to be a SB.
I agree with @sfwinefan‘s assertion that you need to be thick skinned – not only because men aren’t always complimentary, but because you will meet a fair few rude, entitled, arrogant or even abusive guys who fancy themselves as sugar daddies. I’ve also found some will try to push boundaries in terms of sexual expectations or bargain when it comes to the allowance side of thing. You need to be a pretty strong character to be able to counter that (it concerns me how many SBs talk about being nervous to talk about allowances etc as it’s a recipe for being taken advantage of).
In answer to your original questions…
1. In terms of managing a SR alongside a vanilla relationship, it’s not something I have done so don’t have any advice.
2. Sugaring has been quite good for my self esteem but I imagine that’s because I fit what society deems as attractive (slim, blonde hair, blue eyes etc). But I have been rejected on the basis of my tattoos and have been told I ruined myself by getting them – that is something that could have impacted my self esteem if I let it, but I very much understand men have their “types” and if I’m not it, that’s fine.
3. Searching for a POT can be annoying and time consuming like you said. I’m not looking at the moment but even when I am, don’t have access to my phone at work so that gives me time out (and I can always use that excuse even when I’m not working with a POT if I pre-empt needing time away from it).
I think in this regard it also helps if you don’t NEED a SD. Searching is going to be far more stressful if you are desperate.
@sfwinefan , I think where I’m concerned how specifically a sugar relationship has/has not impacted folks’ pre-existing vanilla relationships. All of my concurrent relationships have been from traditional dating, adding in the sugar part, I was concerned about if that has impacted polyamorous SB’s relationships with their vanilla partner(s) in terms of getting insecure about certain aspects of Sugar dating? If so, were they able to work through it.
That being said, if there are any polyamorous SBs, I would love love love to hear your perspectives and experiences.
Either way, thanks for the insight, it’s appreciated. This is a pretty distinct change of pace for me and it’ll probably just take some time to catch up via the learning curve.
Hi @sexykoreanpear! I am polyamorous, and have been selective with even the friends I tell that I am looking for sugar. I told one partner about it some six months ago, while the other I have not told him yet as we have only been dating for about a month. My longer term partner just told me the other day that he almost left me when I told him, but finally decided that I had every right to do what I want, just as he does, and better yet if I can get some economic benefit from my erotic capital. His main issue was he couldn’t understand why I needed this, but for me the answer has several facets which I will not go into right now. At the moment I am still talking to some POTs but nothing is certain, I have had a couple of shorter term sugar relations, both of which ghosted after sex, though I did receive something in return, however closure and an explanation would have been appreciated.
I am pretty specific about the type of daddy I am looking for, for example needs to be someone who is going to be understanding of my life choices (as I am of his), and ideally has another primary relationship, (though it is unlikely to be polyamorous of course; still I aim to apply my values and principles to the relation) also something that will limit the time he wants to spend with me, as opposed to a single SD. My relationships are not hierarchical, btw. I should also say that while I have felt we had an open relationship since the beginning, I am relatively new to the actual practise of poliamor and am learning as I go, in the last couple of months getting more involved in the local poly community. I do think my other newer partner would be more understanding, but I prefer to let the relationship develop and only tell him once I actually have an SD.
Tangentially related, I do notice that I make more effort to un/dress for my most recent partner; I would not say I am overdoing the femininity on SD dates or M&Gs, but amp up the style and elegance a little, without hiding who I really am. I’ve just turned 38, and feel that both sugaring and non-monogamy pushes you to a lot of introspection and reconnecting with the self, which helps with self-esteem and confidence when you accept who you are, rather than needing external validation (though of course it’s great to feel wanted, needed etc).
Not sure if the @ tagging actually alerts other members to their being mentioned, the “notify me of follow-ups via email” has certainly never worked for me.. but if we search for Polyamor, I know there are at least a couple of other members that might have input on this.
There is so much Millennial speak in this thread, I need a translator.🤷♂️
@valkyrium.tremens — thank you so much for sharing your experiences of being in the SB and also balancing a pre-existing relationship(s). It’s seriously so reassuring to hear from a fellow polyamorous SB about making it work. I definitely am going to take some time to see if there are similar posts/comments related to polyamory on LTS and have a few FB groups I’ve been able to bring up this discussion in. I totally agree about it being a lifestyle that requires a great amount of introspection, and I’m realizing that entering the SB does, as well. <3
@southernsd — you could just Google most of the terms, there are tons of non-Millennial polyamorous folks who have written at great length on the subject 😉
@Teamswirl. Please don’t go full snowflake on me. It was a general and factual statement from my perspective. It was not mean spirited or argumentative. Just a statement.
I’ll stick with my crotchety old man presentation by rolling my eyes and being dismissive. If that’s a trigger for anyone, they can lock themselves in a crying room in their favorite safe space. I won’t be confined to a free speech zone.
😂😂😂I need my emotional support chinchilla 😢.
Oh my God. Calm down old men. I was joking.
Hey wait a minute @teamswirl, I’m an old lady, not an old man😜
😂😂😂 Sorry. I will include you next time.
In the immortal words of Val Kilmer’s Doc Holiday: “I wasn’t.” Seriously the accent/delivery is vital.
But I don’t need calming and wasn’t responding specifically to teamswirl. I was more just generally responding to the idea of looking up translations; first I have to care. Nothing clearly PC or American university derived drivel is every going to pass that test.
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