This request for advice goes to anyone – SBs and SDs.
I’m a veteran, been doing this for quite some time now.
My latest relationship turned out to be the most awesome one by far because we fell very much in love (she’s 26, I’m 62). And, yes, it really is love and not money that did it for her.
The attraction was immediate – the night (eight months ago now) of the meet and greet. A week later we were doing sleepovers in hotels and a month later she told me she was in love with me. Another month and I was staying at her house five days a week. We travelled extensively. Everything was as perfect as it could be. Yes, I gave her an allowance but I had to ask her to download the money from PP. It got to the point where she was more happy to get the silly little poem I included in the weekly allowance message than the money itself.
She never asked me for anything except the simplest things – like clothes from target groceries, inexpensive make up etc. We spent so much fun time together. I have a consulting business that I run from my computer so I would drive her to work and pick her up. We never had a real fight. Just simple and often stupid arguments. Our sex life was amazing – the best either of us has every experienced.
We were making plans. Moving away from the city we’re in. West coast, Hawaii, Greek Isles. And it was joint – we both wanted it.
She has a great job making lots of money. Her allowance goes to pay off student loan debt. We even talked about stopping the modest weekly allowance and opening a joint investment account and put the money there for us.
It was no longer an arrangement – it was the perfect relationship.
So why am I writing this?
Well, my SB/GF (I’ll call her GF from now on) is very close to her mom. She’s an only child. She isn’t very close to her biological dad (he’s an alcoholic and a drug user) or her step dad (mean mean mean mean to her). She told me many times that the only person she loves more than me is her mom.
Well, you guessed it. Her mom objects. Vehemently objects – “you’re blinded by the money”, “it’s disgusting. You’re using each other”, etc. She’s tried repeatedly to reason with her mom but her mom won’t hear of it.
In early December we tried to take a “break” so she could try to work things out with her mom without having me in the picture. That lasted two days because we both, but mostly her couldn’t stand the separation. Instead we agreed to stay together while she worked on her mom.
Well, on Thursday she lowered the boom on me. “I can’t be with you. I can’t go through life without my mom.” She and I both cried incessantly. The pain was real. She kept saying over and over and over that it wasn’t fair that age is keeping our love from working out. I packed up my stuff. I was upset and grief stricken. I hugged her and then left.
I know she’s suffering as much as I am. She hates that it’s come to this.
So now to my question. Does anyone see any way that I can salvage this? I know that the answer is no, but I’m just wondering of someone doesn’t have an idea that I may have overlooked.
Thanks for reading.
I am an ex-sugar baby that has had family problems in the past (dead beat dad— daddy issues.) Thankfully, my mom never remarried a d***, excuse my language. I think your gf was doing a very noble thing, paying off her student debt using whatever platform she could (she doesn’t seem like she’s getting help from her mom or stepdad). She loves her mom. But in the end, if her mom really loves her, she’d accept her relationship with a significantly older man. An older man that is doing more good to her than any man has.
What could you do? I’d stick around and see if she changes her mind. I’d try to get to know her friends and maybe even have them convince her parents that you’re worth getting to know. Heck maybe I’d even propose to her after getting to know her for a year. If it’s just her mom that’s the issue, I don’t think it should be.
May December society is a place where age gap couples unite and talk about issues they face. It may be a good forum to get more advice as this is more about relationships than arrangements.
Thanks for your advice.
I spoke on the phone last night with her. There were lots and lots of tears. She hates this as much as I do if not more. Her comment was she couldn’t go two days without wishing I was there.
I asked her that we find a way. Any way. She said she wanted to think about everything.
Should I continue to lobby her gently, perhaps with ideas on how to overcome the impasse with her mom?
Hope this isn’t finding you too late.
If her mother can’t wrap her head around things, try to find out why. What is it about your age that bothers her so much? Is she worried you’ll die and leave her daughter alone? Is she worried about perception when you’re out together? Is she jealous? Is she just a horrible person who just doesn’t want her daughter to be happy.
You just have to address the problem. Maybe you have to promise never to see mom and keep things a secret. Maybe you have to buy life insurance. Maybe mom deserves to be ignored.
Remind your girl that mom will always be in her life. Worst case scenario, mom gets pissed for a few months and then gets over it. That’s the worst that’s ever happened to me in this situation and I’m virtually never liked by woman’s parents once they find out I’m polyamourous and living the dream.
Best of luck with your girl.
I’m sorry that this has happened to you. I’ll take a guess and say it probably feels like she is choosing her mother over you, and I can imagine that’s not a very good feeling, however understanding you are about it.
Is she saying she can’t be with you because you all were moving, or is this her mother objects to the relationship period? If the latter, unfortunately, unless she fights more for you and stands up to her mom, which shouldn’t end their relationship, it would still create an internal struggle for her because of guilt. I want to say go all Hollywood on her mom and try to win her over, but I dont know how it would be recieved. Has she got to see you guys together? Maybe her witnessing the genuine feelings between you two would help. I know from experience the need and want to please my parents, and the strain it can put on a relationship because family approval is not there. I believe in order for you and her to be together, without the wedge this could potentially drive between you two, mom will need to be won over. You could possibly have her assist you on this, and make it a joint effort. If she truly loves you, she should be willing to fight for it as well. Just my 2…or 1000 cents lol. Good luck to you and because I need to know, please keep us posted on the progress or what happens….
Unfortunately, some people just arent accepting of anything outside of vanilla, which includes sugaring or an age gap.
I had a long term relationship with someone 11 years apart, and I caught negativity from not just family, but friends as well. People make assumptions or run with stereotypes. People are terrible. My strategy now is to just keep my dating life entirely private. It’s not up to my friends or my family to choose who I should date, and I dont need their approval to pursue my own happiness in life. Quite frankly, it’s none of their business. That is a personal choice.
I’m really sorry to hear this is happening, and that you’re both going through it, but unfortunately, I’m not surprised. Not everyone is supportive, and just because someone is family doesnt mean they want you to be happy- on your own terms. I’d wager a guess that “the Mom” is the controlling type, and is doing a sort of emotional blackmail maneuver on her daughter to “protect” her.
Again, I’ve been there.
We only get one shot in this life, might as well live it to the fullest & do what makes us happy. If I were her, I’d just stop taking my “Mom’s” phonecalls & when the animosity has passed, then possibly talk, but she’s 26, and fully capable of making her own decisions.
But then again, I’m headstrong enough to walk away from people that sabotage my happiness, and I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak in life.. so that route isnt for everyone.
I’m hoping for the best outcome for both of you, whatever that may be.
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