I have searched “married” on the main blog and the forum and I’m left with a pretty big question, still: how do the SBs in arrangements with married SDs navigate their feelings about the wife getting hurt? I have spent a good amount of time thinking what my stance is on married SDs, and I’m okay with it as long as the wife/partner knows that there is some degree of external activity going on, even if she doesn’t want details. The reason I feel best about that is because she knows; she knows that there are some behind-the-back activities and she isn’t being kept in the dark.
Even if I never pursue a SD who keeps his wife in the dark, I still have this question and I would greatly appreciate and respect anyone who would be willing to share their thoughts or opinions. How do the SBs out there handle this particular brand of SD?
Many, many thanks!
Hey there @biobabe23. This is a really good question.
I would assume most of the married SDs don’t tell their wives about it. I have a married SD and his wife has no idea what he is doing. I try not to think about it honestly. I know I wouldn’t want my husband to be with some other girl period. I sometimes wonder how my SD’s wife would feel if she did know. I try not to bring her up either, although when I was getting to know him we did discuss her a bit.
While I personally don’t engage married men who aren’t in an open relationship, I don’t judge married men in an SR. When I was considering going into the bowl it was something I thought long and hard about. I even had conversations with married POTs that interested me but, like you, I couldn’t get past the idea of being the cause of someone else’s pain. I understand that there are times when an extramarital affair can benefit a marriage, and I’m sure for the right person, under the right circumstances, I could change my mind. It’s a matter of personal preference over moral judgement.
The majority of SDs are married men looking to make a connection that makes them feel alive and desirable again. One of the unspoken rules of being a SB is that you be discreet and not be a threat to the marriage in any way.
Dear Bio Babe,
This is a subject I have thought about a lot, even before I began sugaring. If I was intimate with a married man, would karma come bite me in the ass? Was I consciously hurting the man’s wife? I understand your debate on the subject.
I believe that you should do whatever feels right to you in the moment in accordance with where you are at on the subject at the time.
This is where I am personally at and how I navigate the situaiton;
Firstly I ascertain to the best of my ability that the POT can in fact afford to be an SD and his family is not negatively affected by the money he spends on me.
Secondly I ensure that we are practising safe sex. I want to make sure that nothing is being brought home by the SD, not even a yeast infection. I disclose that I get cold sores. Though cold sores aren’t technically an STI and I don’t break out often, I feel better doing this.
After the first two point are covered, I purely focus on my relationship with the SD. I don’t mind if he wants to talk about his wife, which is sometimes the case because he may want to vent. But I never compare myself to her, consider myself in any kind of competition with her, or superior to her in any way. I empathise with the SD and treat our relationship as independent to others as much as possible.
Personally I’m not big on monogamy and am polyamorous. This gets tricky because polyamory technically means being open with all your partners and this should include the SDs wife. Again, I focus on my relationship with the SD and act as ethically as I can when it comes to things I have control over. I don’t believe I have the duty or the right to out someone or to judge them for where they are at. In our Christian-guided, mononormative society it can be next to impossible for most people to truly live their lives out in the open.
People have had affaris, mistresses, multiple partneres, multiple partneres of multiple sexes, more than one husband or wife etc for basically all of humanity. It is foolish to assume that everyone should be happy within what is deemed to be a socially acceptable and celebrated realtionship, and that straying outside of it is wrong. Hence the large market for a website such as SA. Even if your SD isn’t married, the relationship platform that SA advertises is not socially acceptable.
Ultimately you should act in alignment with your own values and listen to your intuition.
I think that it speaks to your character that you are thinking on the topic and seeking answers to this extent. There is some literature out there that you may find interesting such as ‘Sex at Dawn’, and ‘The Ethical Slut’.
All the best:)
@nobodyswife 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I too am poly and the inability to live that out in the open is extremely frustrating. I really empathize with the way you choose to practice being an SB. I’d like to add the book “More Than Two” to that list. It can be hard to slog through at times but it’s a good starting point on learning to manage emotions and expectations in poly relationships, which is sometimes what you inadvertently wind up in as an SB or SD.
@theoneandonlycharmingwit, thank you. It’s great to connect with someone who is also poly and an SB. Yes, I think there is quite a number of people practising various forms of polyamory and not being aware of it. It’s a lot easier to do something that might be frowned upon by society if you don’t name it or label it. ‘More Than Two’ is a great addition to the list and also the best online resource that I have found on the topic. If you know of other resources and literature, I would love to hear them too.
As a married SD, I can share my perspective. Been married for a long time. The marriage has gone to the point where its more like friends. Don’t get hugs and there is
withdrawal and resentment from the woman due to her insecurities. With kids in the mix, not interested in any disruption. With getting close to 50, don’t want the lady to
go away and suffer. Not many takers for someone approaching 50.
What can the SD do in this situation? Men have needs – both emotional and physical. Women start going down hill after their 40s. Mine now
knows the situation. I don’t provide details and never get asked either.
May SB’s on SA are judgmental, but there are SD’s out there suffering. Men need emotional support as much as women do. It is not possible to be a mountain, take on
the giver role and keep operating like a machine for years without reciprocity. The machine needs oil too.
So to all those SB’s out there that judge a SD and say they won’t see anyone who is attached, I appreciate your moral values and many are driven by the fact that such
an affair impacted their lives when they were kids, each SD has a different story to tell. So give them a chance and hear them out before you all jump into a conclusion
and paint a stroke with a broad brush that such men are acting immoral.
Good thing there are so many sugar babies out there. If you won’t be with a married man, someone else will. Honestly, you’re not going to be the cause of someone’s infidelity. They’ve already decided to sleep around by being on the site. Limiting yourself just limits potential daddies and you’re probably leaving some of the better daddies on the table since a married man is less likely to get clingy, less likely to be totally crazy and more likely to understand a woman’s needs.
I was very happy being with a married SD for a few months until his wife found out. He was sloppy, and I warned him a few times. But no big deal because I was prepared for this contingency, right?Unfortunately, the way she found out was via an email that he sent to a friend who was going to help me with a mortgage. So (1) she has ALL my information & (2) this woman is batshit crazy. Ive got hundreds of voicemails and emails calling me every name in the book. Two weeks in, I’ve blocked her numbers and email in every way I can, blocking apps, you name it, and this woman keeps getting around it, using other numbers etc. I finally even tried to talk to her thinking it might get her to go away, but me mostly telling her ‘this is between you and your husband’ seemed to enrage her more. I NEVER thought I’d be willing to talk to a SD’s wife in this context, but this woman has pushed me to limits I didnt know I had. I went two days not hearing from her and finally relaxed enough to have a happy moment, and then 3am mu phone starts going off. Ive begged him to get her to stop but I think he is very taken aback by how she’s reacting and desperate to keep his family together. I just want to move on, but she’s not letting me. Any advice or even a kind word would be very welcome right now.
“I was very happy being with a married SD”
Sorry, I know you’re actively taught otherwise these days, but actions/decisions actually do indeed have consequences.
Her anger should be refocussed on the husband and a little inward reflection, but you knowingly chose to sleep with a married man.
I get your point, really I do, but I am not the one who made a commitment to her. I met someone who was sweet and sad and lonely and for a few months I made his life better. I shouldn’t be punished so heavily for it. When I was married and he cheated, I knew it was about me and him. I never would have tried to contact the other woman and be vengeful. I just wanted to commiserate; please, I can’t handle any more unkind words after the wife’s abuse.
Nonsense. The truth is always kinder than coddling.
I am not the kind of person that asks for coddling. If I were, I wouldn’t be on this site because, as you know, there is no (emotional) coddling in the sugar world for SBs (SDs get plenty).
You say consequences, but the consequences I am experiencing are HIS consequences. He should be putting a stop to it and getting her to focus on him. I figured I would get a few phone calls or emails, but this woman is insane and she’s HIS responsibility.
I share the same feelings as @golferchris I am married,but we are more friends. No kissing unless I initiate it, no sex. We have a lot of fun. Vacations and weekends doing stuff so it’s a companion and friend without the benefits. At least the last 8 months have been, maybe she knows I am doing this and never said anything. Esp with my one SB. Anyway you wouldn’t be causing a problem since we are the ones causing it. Just make sure he is discreet about it. That he uses a google voice number or burner or at least has your texts on silent. I usually only give out my Google number,but one SB i have known for 2 years who i only see when college was out has my real number. It’s on silent when she texts. I think you would miss out on a good SD because a lot of guys are married and looking.
That’s a really tough one isn’t it, I can understand your concern however I do agree with @bogart, if he is on this site then he’s already in the mindset to step out side of his marriage for intimacy and probably already has and is.
Most gentlemen on here are upfront about being married, but I do believe some still lie about that so you have no guarantee he isn’t married even if he says he isn’t.
I’ve had personal experience in this field, it’s actually what introduced me to the world of sugaring. I met my previous SD somewhere other than this site. The chemistry between us was off the chart and we started seeing eachother one day a week for fun, as the relationship didn’t progress past this ( what I now realise was the arrangement ) I asked him a handful of times are you married, he insisted he wasn’t, even fed me some very elaborate story to convince me otherwise. I had just turned my life upside down prior to meeting him so I was struggling and he put me on an allowance, this concept was very weird to me and to begin with made me uncomfortable. As the relationship went on I found out a few things and eventually did some research, turns out he is a very successful businessman who’s been in the papers, and with his wife… definitely married. He’d had girlfriends before me and no doubt will after me, so even if I hadn’t of gone there he would be cheating, I broke it off with him, I never explained why as I saw no point and the relationship was souring at this point in a big part to mixed expectations and a whole load of lies. Atleast on this site the smart ones will be honest about it, which helps you know where you stand and what to expect which can result in a happier arrangement for all. Ultimately though wheather you’re dating on here or in the ”normal” world you can never really know so don’t spend too much time worrying about something that’s ultimately out of your control.
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