Hey all! Love the site-have found it to be very helpful thus far.
So, I’m new to all of this and went on my first date on Monday(just a meet and greet over lunch). Towards the end he discussed his ideal arrangement, and some ways he’s done it in the past, and I kinda froze because negotiating makes me very uncomfortable-I told him that since I was new, I’d consider it and let him know my thoughts. I know this was not the best way to handle it, but I couldn’t help it. One of his last arrangements he said he would help out with a couple of bills and come into the city 2 weekends out of the month(he lives on the outskirts) for shopping and dinner and whatnot.
I am a professional, and took a new job I’m overqualified for just to get my foot in the door at an amazing company. I’m very interested in him, and we seem to have a lot of chemistry, but I’m interested in an arrangement because, while my budget isn’t impossible, it is tight, and I’d like a little relief. I went back to him and explained that in my ideal arrangement I would be relieved of my car payment and phone bill, and get to explore intimacy with someone older. He responded saying that I was going in a different direction, and asked to talk about it on our next date on Friday(dinner, but he has a hotel booked).
Did I misunderstand him? I just don’t know what he means by different direction. And I know that if I don’t feel very prepared for this conversation Friday, I’ll probably freeze up again. For reference, my car payment+phone bill adds up to a total of $330, but I didn’t mention the exact number to him yet. I live in Atlanta, and his salary is $150,000(lower end, so that’s why I went for the lower end of what I would accept, since I actually like him).
Welcome to the sugar bowl
There are a couple blogs on this topic
Go to the blogs under Money look for blogs written by Malia and myself. They should give you some insight.
As for this situation, sounded promising at first but went sideways in my opinion. Your request sounded totally within reason of what he mentioned. The fact he thought you were going a different direction when it fell right in line with what he claimed he did previously raises a red flag to me.
The second red flag is booking a hotel room before you have an agreement. Do not go to the room after dinner if you do not have an agreement in place.
Do you know what restaurant he had planned?
I may be incorrect but this is smelling a little Splenda or Salty. Tread lightly Young Explorer.
I texted him back asking how I was going in a different direction, and if I had misunderstood him, since I wanted us to be on the same page for our discussion on Friday. Evidently he thought I was going into more detail than he had(different direction), but wasn’t opposed, and just wanted to talk about the details at dinner.
He picked out the restaurant yesterday, and since he knows I’m a bit of a picky eater he ran it by me. Our reservations are at 8 due to my schedule, and he lives an hour and a half south, so I think he’d probably want a hotel room regardless of our sleeping arrangements., but I’m sure he’s planning on us having the same sleeping arrangements haha. However, I am driving myself to dinner and live near the restaurant if it goes south.
Is this still sounding like a red flag? You guys are better at reading signs than I would be.
Thanks a bunch, SouthernSD
Definitely do not go to his hotel, especially with no arrangement finalized. Even if he gives you a gift or perhaps money, I would tread lightly. If you stay with him at the hotel only because you feel obligated to (due to the gift/money given) he may be thinking of hitting and quitting…which it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re after and which is also not what the sugar lifestyle is about… Really think about focusing your reasons for wanting an arrangement instead of pay-per-visit and the total amount you’re looking to receive (I suggest taking the amount you want to receive and add another 50% for negotiating purposes). That way you can be direct with him on Friday. Good luck! Keep us posted.
That was a smart move texting him for clarification. Which tells me you have confidence and should not freeze up when trying to negotiate.
This sounds better but for some reason my spidey sense is still tingling. Keep moving forward with caution and take note of ColumbusQT thoughts on this.
You have a plan and stick with it, also take note of the weather for Friday night.❄️
@youngexplorer can you keep us updated of what will happen after dinner please? im very curious to know because i have a weird feeling he just wants to sleep with you..i miht totally be wrong.
Okay, I will keep you guys updated! He mentioned in his profile that he wasn’t interested in pay for play, and wanted something more long term-but I guess he could def be lying. I’ll keep my guard up.
This may seem like a dumb question-so you guys mention that I need to hash out my allowance beforehand. We’ll be doing the specifics at dinner. So, is it typical for him to actually give me the cash(or venmo or whatever we decide on) right then? Later? I assume I should have the arrangement finalized and money in hand before the hotel? Or just the agreement, and money later? Want to be prepared for how this usually works so I know what to look for.
“t should be before any heavy intimacy starts. Fooling around before hand is fine if you are okay with that. But, and I’m sure this sounds crude, make sure to get your gift before the panties hit the floor so to speak.”
Just copied a post I answered in Money forum.
Sorry I’m late answering your question. By now You probably know what he was truly about.
This questions were a little bit putting the cart before the horse, you should have these hashed out before this point.
I agree with Ambrose and would add that it should flow naturally. If it’s rushed or very transactional then it just doesn’t seem right, at least for me.
What I do is once we have an agreement then I give a “goodwill”, gift, just to show it’s legit. I started doing this with my second SB because there are so many flakes and fakes on here now. It’s kind of the intangible part of sugaring, has to be learned versus taught.
Hope this help, looking forward to hearing the outcome.
So, I definitely could have asked for more, as he was surprised when I told him how much those two bills cost, and just accepted immediately. I’ll definitely follow @columbusqt‘s advice next time I’m negotiating, but I had already told him the specific bills I wanted taken care of before I got her advice. The dinner was great, we settled the allowance(Venmo to my account), had some great conversation with a reasonable amount of wine, and did end up staying at his hotel. The next morning we talked about next time we would see each other, and we both have a 4 day weekend coming up, so he’s planning a trip. All is well!
Sounds like it was just a communication issue and that you may have found a good one.
Don’t fret on the amount and not asking for more. I’m almost certain if things go well he will be happy to up the game without you having to ask.
Count yourself lucky you found one this fast. Atlanta has 12 – 14,000 SB in a 50 mile radius and approx 2200 SD. Not a good ratio for the SB.
Oh wow! I knew the odds weren’t in my favor- but I didn’t realize they were so badly stacked against me! Thanks for all of the help!
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