A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

By Contessa

May 01, 2017

BDSM is an umbrella expression for: bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M). The terms are grouped together as BDSM can be a lot of different things to different people and can even be non-sexual. Here’s a beginner’s guide to the world of BDSM.

Breaking it Down

BDSM includes a variety of practices, ranging from light bondage and erotic spanking to advanced suspension bondage and even electrostimulation.

Whilst bondage and discipline encompasses the physical elements including restraints and sensation play, dominance and submission encompasses the emotional and psychological elements including role play between the dom and sub and consensual power exchange.

Sadism and masochism refers to the roles in which one player takes pleasure in giving a physical sensation (the sadist), and one player takes pleasure in receiving physical sensation (the masochist). The use of whips and chains naturally falls into this category.

Many people consider BDSM weird, dehumanising, or worse. Nevertheless, fans of this sort of play refer to it as the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact to exist.

How to Begin

Firstly, decide if you’re more into B&D or S&M. If the former, blindfolding the sub can be a fun way to start but if the latter, then spanking is a prevalent way most people begin.

When introducing the idea to your partner, or your partner introduces the idea to you, be specific about the types of activities that interest you both the most, such as spanking, biting, handcuffing or being tied up. This will help you to both be on the same page and therefore will prevent any embarrassment or misunderstanding.

People regularly partake in casual, conformist sex that involves little conversation or emotional connection before getting physical. However, this is not true of BDSM. Players always arrange details in advance with clear, intimate communication and instruction, which creates a special erotic bond.

Learning the Ropes

Using a blindfold, fluffy handcuffs or an ice cube are all relatively harmless beginner behaviours if you’re into them. However, before you play around with some of the more intricate tools, you need to learn how to do so safely. Even a rope or a whip can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing.

There are light floggers, leather whips, whips with single tails, whips with multiple tails that are flat and wide – the list really is extensive. As certain kinds of props can be harsher than others, you really do need to learn how to use them properly. Signing up to local workshops and classes can be a fun but crucial way to learn the ropes so to speak.

It’s About Trust

People are often intimidated by the world of BDSM and wildly misunderstand the whole concept, but BDSM can be as hard-core or as tame as you want it to be. Think of the game, ‘Trust Me’, in which one person stands behind the other. The one in front falls backward, trusting the other to catch them before crashing to the floor.

The game contains an element of danger and the risk of not getting caught and hurt. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way. BDSM is similar. It is all about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.

Safe Word

BDSM is often more theatrical than real. Sessions are called ‘scenes’ and participants, referred to as ‘players’, carefully choreograph their moves in advance.
Firstly, participants agree on a ‘safe’ word, which is a stop signal that the sub can invoke at any time. The safe word immediately stops the action until the players have mutually agreed to resume. Any dom who fails to honour pre-arranged safe words violates the sub’s trust and in turn, destroys the relationship.

Subs Are in Charge

Although the submissive player feigns subservience, the irony of BDSM is that the sub is ultimately in charge. They can invoke the stop signal using the agreed safe word, and the dominant must obey immediately.

Meanwhile, although the dominant acts like the chief, they must also be caring and nurturing, taking the submissive to their agreed limit, but never beyond it. In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for everyone to experiment with surrendering power, whilst always feeling safe. People who enjoy BDSM claim that it results in the most incredible erotic intensity.
So, the question is, are you ready to try something new?

Writer’s Tip:

Try to have an open mind and remain non-judgemental as we all, at times, knowingly or otherwise, have dabbled in softer elements of BDSM.

Therefore, if your Sugar Daddy confesses to having a kink for the more hard-core stuff, it shows he trusts you enough to share his sexual secret. Even if you decide to never go there yourself, creating a secure and safe environment between the two of you to discuss boundaries, is key.