My current SB – whom I’ll call “M” – and I were ending our first date. As we were saying goodnight, M said with a smile, “Well, I came here expecting absolutely nothing, and I am so happy with how things turned out!”
“Me too,” I replied, kissing her and giving her cute butt a squeeze before she slipped out of our hotel room.
Once I was alone, though, I became pensive. Her comment made sense – it took nine months for us to meet – but it also deeply resonated with me. Did she really have no expectations? What about me? Do I, or does she, expect anything now, after we’ve gotten acquainted, and had sex? I called her a few days later, because I wanted to learn how she viewed our meetings and dates, and how having expectations might affect the arrangement.
“I just think it’s better to go with the flow,” she said, “instead of being rigid. All of my arrangements have been different, and I’ve gotten something great out of all of them.” Her experience matches my own. I’ve had five long arrangements, each of them totally unique from the others.
Expectations – we all have them, even though most of us like to think we’re super open-minded and non-judgmental. “It’s all good,” we say, but secretly we’re looking for ways to exit the situation as quickly as possible because it doesn’t “meet our expectations.” If you can’t seem to find an arrangement, it might be because of this. Here are some tips for managing Sugar expectations.
Be Open, Receive More
In his 1994 book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Deepak Chopra writes that the Universe is a “field of all possibilities,” a place where certainty – about any single thing (or person) – cuts us off from all other possibilities. When we expect something and it doesn’t materialize, we’re left feeling a sense of loss instead of a sense of excitement for all the other possibilities that might come up.
So you have a vision of an ideal Sugar Daddy: fit and trim, younger than your dad, and with a Malibu beach house that you can use on some weekends, especially with just your friends (yeah, without him). But the profiles you’re seeing are guys with “dad bods,” who look like they could have been your dad’s older brother, and who claim a net worth of about $1-2 million, definitely not the type to have a beach house.
“Where is my cute, jet-setting billionaire?” you ask yourself, not bothering to suppress your frustration and disappointment. “I’d sell my soul to Satan in a heartbeat in exchange for a lifelong lease on a Manhattan penthouse condo,” you tell your bestie. Well, you could sit at home and scrape together enough change for some Chik-fil-A, or you could reach out to someone whose profile shows that he at least has a sense of humor, a nice smile, and can quote a lyric from The Weeknd.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you compromise your sense of self-worth. Don’t do that. Really. What quality Sugar Daddy would want an arrangement with someone if he knows she’s settling for less than what she believes she’s worth? In most areas, it’s better to remain uncertain, open, and non-judgmental, freeing us to be in the moment and enjoy all the gifts and lessons before us, no matter who they come from.
Be Flexible, Receive More
Maybe you expect your Sugar Daddy to leave you alone when you’re not together, to refrain from talking about his personal life, and to give you one big allowance each month so that the arrangement feels less transactional. You find a POT who says he would text you a couple of minutes a day to say hi and tell you how awesome you are, and see you at the end of his very stressful workday before going home to his family. He’s slow to trust and wants to keep the allowance per-meet until he feels more comfortable with you. Maybe you’ve already spent time with him and he makes you feel beautiful and special. Do you hold to your expectations, or do you bend? Is this a difficult choice?
Be Selfless, Receive More
Expectations are also expressions of selfishness. When we have them, we place ourselves above others. It’s like rejecting a talented actress because she doesn’t fit into the dress. The same goes for Sugar. I had a fantastic connection with a wonderful woman, and we were so excited about being together. However, when I said I was available only twice a month, I got ghosted because she was expecting more. She could have chosen me and had something great with a man she really liked, instead of nothing.
If you can do away with expectations, then pretty much everything between you is negotiable. And when everything is negotiable, that gets the two of you communicating. And when you’re communicating, you are both – ideally – listening to each other. And when you’re listening to each other then you’re creating trust and intimacy. There simply is no better model for a relationship between two people than that.